Many times I asked myself if still I can? Am I really that good? And am I really that happy? Few questions lurking on my mind bombarding me whether I am or not. At this juncture of life, I’m so confused, so empty and so distraught wandering around this quagmire of my darkness. I kept walking on and found myself out nowhere- no path, no direction.
I’m in this certain dilemma that I myself cannot explain. I cannot fathom how deep is the source of this feeling. Seems like I’m on a dark place – no one’s around and nothing to be seen. I feel so all alone when I know there are a lot of shoulders I can lean on. It’s like I can’t speak my heart out that no matter how heavy this burdens I have, my mouth can’t speak what was it all about. Maybe because I get used to it? Or I’m that really afraid telling anyone about this just to portray a strong character that I should be. I don’t know, I can’t figure out why and how. I can’t describe what kind of scenario I’m in, where on earth could I find the answer and who to ask about it.
I get used to it. I get used of being independent since then. I get used of being secretive as I am. I get used of being pretentious as I can be. I get used to be all alone from the very beginning.
I am chained. I am struggling. I am fighting.
I am Chained.
I am chained in my own world that I guess no one could ever understand. I am chained to my own ideas about things in life. I am chained to the reality that my parents would never understand the things I want in my life. I am chained to the powers over me making me like a lifeless robot doing whatever they direct me. I am chained to the elegant lies I feed myself just to cope up with this life I have. I feel so weak, so helpless, so powerless. I know what to do but there are things that holds me to do so withdrawing me to break free from these chains that’s been binding me disabling me to move and act according to my own will.
I am Struggling.
I am struggling finding my way out of this darkness I’m in. I’m struggling towards life butt ins. I am struggling to the reality I’m in. I’m struggling towards the dreams that I have. I’m struggling to the ideas that may never happen. I’m struggling over the powers that’s controlling me. I’m struggling to the fact that life should be like this and not that. I’m struggling with all my might and power to be as free as I want to be. I am struggling to break the chains and show to the world what I can do and who I really am. I may be weak as I am yet I can be strong amidst my weaknesses, Brave beyond my fears, and better than my past.
I am Fighting.
I am fighting against all odds I am experiencing. I am fighting towards the ideas that should be. I am fighting showing the world my capabilities and uniqueness. I am fighting coz I hate to be chained anymore. I want change in my life, I want to direct my life and I want to be what I really want to be. I am fighting coz it’s enough being afraid anymore. It’s time to prove myself, that in this decision I’ll be taking – this where my happiness is found, this is where my life should start and this is my life should be.
You just only see the preface and haven’t gone far deep. Remember that what is essential is invisible to the eyes. Open yourself to the reality and embrace your new beginnings. Leave everything behind and walk straight your path. Learn to live your life and be not afraid.
Life is full of challenges and breakthrough. It is okay to stumble but learn to stand again after you fall. It is not shameful to retreat and be defeated coz that is life is all about. What is shameful is you stop and quit the fight.
And today as I step unto another breakthrough of life. I will fear nothing for I am firm that what I am doing is what will keep and make me as a being. I’ll walk to the path I am creating with boldness and hope to be where I want to be. Head high, fears down. Soon I’ll be the person I want to be.